Relational aggression is a form of aggression characterized by the use of relationships to manipulate others.  Relationally aggressive behaviors include spreading rumors, gossiping, excluding others, and threatening to end friendships.  For example, a child who threatens, “I won’t be your friend unless you do what I say!”  or “I’ll tell everyone you’re a crybaby unless you do this for me,” is exhibiting relationally aggressive behavior.  You might also see children exclude a playmate from a game or share secrets and gossip about another child behind his or her back. 

Unlike physical aggression – characterized by hitting, kicking, and pushing – which seems to be more common in boys than girls, relational aggression appears to be more salient to girls, although boys do also exhibit these behaviors.  All children, however, report that these behaviors are hurtful, indicating that it isn’t just physically aggressive behaviors that harm children.

Relationally aggressive behavior is found in children as young as preschool and into adulthood (for example, in the workplace). It is thought that as children are taught and learn that physical aggression is not socially acceptable, the more covert relationally aggressive behaviors become more common.  Thus, it is clear that relational aggression is just as prevalent as physical aggression in childhood and beyond.  While physical aggression has received much notice in the past for its associated negative effects, research has shown that relational aggression also uniquely affects children’s development and deserves attention as well.

What happens to the victims of relational aggression?

Similar to victims of physical aggression, victims of relational aggression tend to suffer negative consequences, such as depression, loneliness, and lower self-esteem.  Relationally victimized children are also likely to be rejected by their peers and avoid social situations due to anxiety or fear of negative evaluation.  In line with these social difficulties, victims of relational aggression were observed to initiate peer interactions much less than non-victims.  Not surprisingly, children who are relationally victimized by their own friends tend to have more negative friendship qualities, such as higher levels of conflict and exclusivity.

Okay, but what about the aggressors?  Are there any negative consequences for them?

Like relationally victimized children, relational aggressors can also experience negative outcomes, such as depression and social isolation.  Relationally aggressive individuals also tend to be rejected by their peers.  In college students, relationally aggressive behavior is associated with negative life satisfaction, negative and unsatisfying relationships, and emotional instability.  Relationally aggressive children also have poorer quality friendships when compared to non-aggressive children, characterized by high conflict and desires for exclusivity.