Relational aggression is a form of aggression characterized by the use of relationships to manipulate others. Relationally aggressive behaviors include spreading rumors, gossiping, excluding others, and threatening to end friendships. For example, a child who threatens, “I won’t be your friend unless you do what I say!” or “I’ll tell everyone you’re a crybaby unless you do this for me,” is exhibiting relationally aggressive behavior. You might also see children exclude a playmate from a game or share secrets and gossip about another child behind his or her back.

Unlike physical aggression – characterized by hitting, kicking, and pushing – which seems to be more common in boys than girls, relational aggression appears to be more salient to girls, although boys do also exhibit these behaviors. All children, however, report that these behaviors are hurtful, indicating that it isn’t just physically aggressive behaviors that harm children.

Relationally aggressive behavior is found in children as young as preschool and into adulthood (for example, in the workplace). It is thought that as children are taught and learn that physical aggression is not socially acceptable, the more covert relationally aggressive behaviors become more common. Thus, it is clear that relational aggression is just as prevalent as physical aggression in childhood and beyond. While physical aggression has received much notice in the past for its associated negative effects, research has shown that relational aggression also uniquely affects children’s development and deserves attention as well.