Finding out that your son or daughter is being victimized by other children is difficult and leaves many parents wondering how or if they should respond. Perhaps the most important action a parent can take is to listen. Talk with your child. Ask questions. Maintaining an open and honest line of communication is the first step toward recognizing that your child may be struggling and in need of some help.

It’s also vital that parents realize just how hurtful relational victimization can be. It often isn’t just “boys being boys” or “girls being girls.” For a victimized child, even day-to-day activities like eating lunch or walking down the hallway can feel uncomfortable or threatening. Rather than risk further ridicule, some kids withdraw from social activities and isolate themselves from their peers. Others may become angry and begin acting out at home or in the classroom. Recognize potential warning signs and make it clear to your child that you want to help.

One of the most important roles you can play as a parent is advocate for your child’s well-being. Here’s how:

• Talk with your child’s teachers and administrators about school policies regarding relationship-directed aggression and bullying.
• Talk with other parents and make sure they are aware of relational victimization—what it looks like and how harmful it can be.
• Become familiar with the resources available in your area for children in-need. Some children who are being victimized benefit from talking with a school counselor, psychologist, or other mental health professional, for example.

I think my child may be an aggressor. What can I do?

Children who engage in relational aggression may be as in need of help as those who are victimized by it. As a parent, taking steps to modify your child’s aggressive behaviors means first taking responsibility for the messages that your family sends about relational aggression. Again, the value of communication cannot be overstated. With an open line of communication come opportunities to talk with your children about how they interact with their peers, the importance of friendship and of not excluding others. Have a conversation with your kids about how they might feel if they were purposely left out of a game or made the subject of a nasty rumor. And if you happen to witness relational aggression in your home, at school, or on the playground, don’t look the other way. Instead, take the opportunity to turn those incidents into “teachable moments” during which you can work with your child to come up with better ways of dealing with problems.